By J.B. Smitts
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PALO ALTO, CA –Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook will be shut down in
March. Managing the site has become too stressful.
“Facebook has gotten out of control,” said Zuckerberg in a press conference
outside his Palo Alto office, “and the stress of managing this company has
ruined my life. I need to put an end to all the madness.”
Zuckerberg went on to explain that starting March 15th, users will no
longer be able to access their Facebook accounts.
“After March 15th the whole website shuts down,” said Avrat Humarthi, Vice
President of Technical Affairs at Facebook. “So if you ever want to see
your pictures again, I recommend you take them off the internet. You won’t
be able to get them back once Facebook goes out of business.”
Zuckerberg said that the decision to shut down Facebook was difficult, but
that he does not think people will be upset.
“I personally don’t think it’s a big deal,” he said in a private phone
interview. “And to be honest, I think it’s for the better. Without
Facebook, people will have to go outside and make real friends. That’s
always a good thing.”
Some Facebook users were furious upon hearing the shocking news.
“What am I going to do without Facebook?” said Denise Bradshaw, a high
school student from Indiana. “My life revolves around it. I’m on Facebook
at least 10 hours a day. Now what am I going to do with all that free
time?”
However, parents across the country have been experiencing a long
anticipated sense of relief.
“I’m glad the Facebook nightmare is over,” said Jon Guttari, a single
parent from Detroit. “Now my teenager’s face won’t be glued to a computer
screen all day. Maybe I can even have a conversation with her.”
Those in the financial circuit are criticizing Zuckerberg for walking away
from a multibillion dollar franchise. Facebook is currently ranked as one
of the wealthiest businesses in the world, with economists estimating its
value at around 7.9 billion.
But Zuckerberg remains unruffled by these accusations. He says he will
stand by his decision to give Facebook the axe.
“I don’t care about the money,” said Zuckerberg. “I just want my old life
back.”
The Facebook Corporation suggests that users remove all of their personal
information from the website before March 15th. After that date, all
photos, notes, links, and videos will be permanently erased.
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